April 1 by Chris Goldstein – The April showers are just arriving but some May flowers have already bloomed. Tourists discovered six marijuana plants in the Rose Garden just as President Obama announced a major victory in the so-called War on Drugs.
The Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP) and Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) marijuana experts rushed to the scene this morning and estimated that each four-foot tall cannabis plant was getting ready to yield 500 pounds of pot.
“We think it’s Sour Diesel,” said one expert who declined to be named citing the ongoing investigation.
ONDCP Drug Czar Gil Kerlikowse arrived and personally eradicated the crop with a gold-plated weedwacker that he keeps in a glass case behind his desk.
“Think of the children,” said Kelikowse, “imagine what would happen to the ice cream reserves if three thousand pounds of Sour D hit Capitol Hill.”
The Czar was pulled away from a high profile “Victory on Drugs” press conference with President Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry.
They announced that Drugs (including crack, heroine, meth, bath salts, Krispy Kreme donuts and others) were tracked to their secret hideout in Afghanistan and eliminated in a joint special operation last night.
Still images taken from combat video cameras and drones showed Drugs being shot numerous times.
Drugs were then put into a rocket and fired directly into the Sun.
Reporters immediately pointed out the distinctive sound of the Drug Czar’s 24kt cannabis eradicator just outside.
President Obama and Secretary of State Kerry seemed unsurprised, saying that the timing of the raid (4:20AM) allowed Marijuana to remain at large.
Kerry pointed out that official government scientists at the National Institute of Health (NIH) and National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) are not sure if marijuana is a Drug.
“Right now we encourage American citizens and the citizens of every country in the world to get quality health insurance,” said Kerry, “everyone needs to start taking wholesome, nutritious, US FDA approved prescription pharmaceuticals.”
The DEA said that Mexican or South American cartels were the primary suspects in the White House farming operation.
But one observer noted that staffers from Reps. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Jared Polis (D-CO) were milling around the Rose Garden with Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) looking “really bummed out.”
Filed under “Satire” updated 4:20PM April 1, 2013
Chris Goldstein is a respected marijuana reform advocate. As a writer and radio broadcaster he has been covering cannabis news for over a decade. Questions? chris(at)freedomisgreen.com